Leila Miler.jpeg

Leila Miller

Leila is the author of Raising Chaste Catholic Men: Practical Advice, Mom to Mom. In addition to her own blog, she is a contributor to Catholic Answers Magazine Online. Leila and her husband have eight children and several grandchildren. 

Divorce, annul, move on? Let's return to the mind of the Church.

Divorce, annul, move on? Let's return to the mind of the Church.

FINAL cover IMR.jpg

The requested follow-up book to Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak is finally here! “Impossible” Marriages Redeemed: They Didn’t End the Story in the Middle will bring hope to struggling marriages. The following is my Introduction to the book:

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Catholics are against divorce in theory, but not in practice.

A few weeks ago, a horrified friend sent me the following message after being involved in a contentious Facebook discussion among seemingly faithful Catholic women:

I canNOT believe how many married women get venomous and flip their lid when you merely suggest that someone’s marriage has hope for reconciliation!

Sadly, I was not a bit surprised, as being viscerally against saving marriage has become the default position in many Catholic circles, especially among Catholic women’s groups online. Even among our clergy and counselors, there is a near-universal “divorce, annul, and move on” mindset. One woman told me a story that is frighteningly common:

Over the years, I consulted with up to six different priests while going through a tough time in our marriage. Each one said I had grounds for an annulment, and that he would help me through the process. The last time I consulted a priest was about 15 years ago, and this one said the same thing. I told him I did not want a divorce or an annulment, but rather to stay married and find meaning in my situation. He said that in his experience of witnessing marriages in an ongoing crisis like mine, healing was impossible. He said I would pay an enormous price....In the 15 years since, much has changed and even improved. Our marriage is not perfect, but we have found happiness and peace. I am so glad my instincts were to stay and not leave. Giving over my tears and anguish as a kind of gift also gave my suffering meaning. That valley, though, was one tough haul —and I got little to no help from the Church. Maybe I should have looked elsewhere within the Church for encouragement, but by the time I consulted with that sixth priest, I just didn’t want to hear any more “give up, and get on with your life” advice.

This pervasive “divorce and move on” mindset makes it hard for us to imagine that there was a time—namely, the entire span of Christian history until a few decades ago—when the following sentiment by Pope Leo XIII was fully operative (emphasis mine):

When, indeed, matters have come to such a pitch that it seems impossible for [spouses] to live together any longer, then the Church allows them to live apart, and strives at the same time to soften the evils of this separation by such remedies and helps as are suited to their condition; yet she never ceases to endeavor to bring about a reconciliation, and never despairs of doing so. (Arcanum, Feb. 1880)

Never ceases. Never despairs.
Never.

It sounds like a fairy tale now, yet this all-but-forgotten disposition is still a Christian imperative. In fact, the diligent and unending work to restore broken marriages—not end them!—is still the official teaching of the Catholic Church.

“But, what about abuse?”

Even though the vast majority of divorces do not proceed from high conflict marriages, the question of abuse is brought up immediately in any discussion of divorce (much like the “but what about rape or incest?” question in the abortion debate), effectively derailing the conversation. As with abortion, however, we must never allow the “hard cases” to be used as the mute button on any discussion of divorce. Rather, we must go straight to the Church’s directives in this area, and insist that they be followed.

According to canon law, in cases of unrepentant adultery, “grave mental or physical danger,” or unlivable situations, physical separation of spouses is allowed with the bishop’s permission, but: “In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored...” (cf. canons 1151-1155, emphases mine). Even should circumstances require continued separation, the marriage bond remains.

In addition, although civil divorce may be “tolerated” by the Church if it’s the “only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights” for an innocent spouse, such a decree does not make one “unmarried”—and Catholics must never adopt the dangerous mindset that it does. Sacramental marriages are indissoluble and can be ended only by the death of one of the spouses, and even valid natural marriages (marriages in which one or both spouses are unbaptized) are designed by God to be permanent.

Unfortunately, even when a couple’s issues are not about abuse, but entail more of a general misery, deep discontent, and/or non-stop bickering, our interaction with suffering friends or family members who want out of a bad marriage usually goes like this:

We rally with all of our sympathy and then, because we have no real tools to help them, we tell them it’s okay to divorce. We never mention that divorce is a sin (because we have been conditioned to believe that only civil remarriage without annulment is a sin*), and we assure them that “your marriage probably isn’t valid anyway.” All of this is reinforced by usually well-meaning but poorly trained priests, as well as by misguided therapists and counselors.

The two wide exit ramps of no-fault divorce (automatic) and annulment (almost always granted) are a near-guarantee that no couple truly suffering will stay to fight through the darkness. Why should they? The potential for relief and happiness dangled in front of them is so tempting that it’s practically irresistible, much like the woman tempted to freedom through the death of her unborn child (“it’s not a baby anyway”). Each of us—and really it takes just one voice—can either help to kill the life of the marriage, ripping the “one- flesh” apart, or we can help to save it, sparing souls, families, and generations.

Nothing is impossible with God.

We Christians know that with God all things are possible, and we know that the greater good and ultimate redemption come only and always through the cross. And, to be able to embrace our cross and follow the Lord, we need to have hope. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, hope “keeps man from discouragement; it sustains him during times of abandonment; it opens up his heart in expectation of eternal beatitude” (1818).

Whereas the devil and the world shout, “Throw off that cross! You shouldn’t have to suffer! You deserve to feel fulfilled, have romance, and be appreciated!” the Lord whispers, “Stay faithful, stay true. Love even the unlovable and the unfaithful unto death, as I have loved you. Imitate my quiet, unfailing love, and even my humiliation, and carry your cross to the end—where your redemption and glory await.”

Our crosses, and particularly our crosses in our state of life, are our ladders to heaven. All marriages are cruciform, and the weight of what we are promising is unknown to us on our wedding day. Consider these stunning words from the Church’s Exhortation Before Marriage, which, until recent years, was read to every couple at the altar (emphases mine):

This union, then, is most serious, because it will bind you together for life in a relationship so close and so intimate, that it will profoundly influence your whole future. That future, with its hopes and disappointments, its successes and its failures, its pleasures and its pains, its joys and its sorrows, is hidden from your eyes. You know that these elements are mingled in every life, and are to be expected in your own. And so not knowing what is before you, you take each other for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death.

We do not know what awaits us, but we promise to love and be faithful anyway, no matter what, until death.

Within the pages of this book, you will find stories of these words lived out. You will feel the weight of nearly unbearable crosses just as surely as you will rejoice in the hope of redemption. Over all the clamoring for “moving on” and “starting over,” you’ll hear the real experiences of ordinary people who found their way by honoring the vows they made before God and witnesses.

I pray that those of you in struggling or seemingly hopeless marriages find in these stories the inspiration to stay true to your sacred promises—even if your spouse does not—and I pray that the rest of us, whether lay, clergy, or counselor, never have a hand in encouraging the destruction of a marriage, the elimination of a home, and the dismantling of a child’s family.

If we Christians are not a people of redemption, then we are nothing at all. May these stories remind us of who we are, and of what a great and mighty God we serve.
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* It should go without saying, but for clarity’s sake, we must state that an innocent, abandoned spouse is not guilty of the sin of divorce. Many people are divorced against their will, and, just as with the children of divorce, they are the victims of divorce. These victims are not culpable for the evil that was imposed upon them by an abandoner. From the Catechism (2386): “It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law.” Also, Catechism 2384 (emphasis mine): “Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery.” The illicit “re-marriage” is the second offense, not the first.

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Get the book, here, and let’s save some marriages…

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