Resources for abandoned spouses
At least weekly I hear from heartbroken abandoned spouses*—both men and women—who don’t know where to turn for help and support in their grief. The beauty, hope, and forever dreams that they brought to their wedding day are shattered, they have been betrayed by the very person with whom God joined them together as “one flesh,” the future looks dark and lonely, and they fear especially for their children, who will lose their family and all that entails.
Their parishes and dioceses tend only to offer assistance in the form of divorce and annulment “ministries” (can we please stop using that word?), with precious little, if anything, to triage the marriage in trouble** or support the abandoned spouse in staying faithful for life—even though fidelity unto death is exactly what Jesus Christ and our Faith command and expect. One woman’s experience sums up what I have heard hundreds of times, namely, that the help from the local Church just isn’t there:
I got little to no help from the Church. Maybe I should have looked elsewhere within the Church for encouragement, but by the time I consulted with that sixth priest, I just didn’t want to hear any more “give up, and get on with your life” advice.
Standers—those who stand for their marriages despite abandonment and divorce—seem to have nowhere to go for help. Worse yet, they are often condescended to, or their stand and marital status is outright disdained and dismissed, not only by Catholic family and friends (who are often well-meaning), but also, shockingly, by those who represent the Church.
Though little exists for these largely forgotten souls, there are some bits of help here and there, and the resources are growing. When I speak to these discouraged spouses, I let them know that they are not alone, and that—despite her serious failings on this issue—the universal Church actually calls for standers to be supported and held up as witnesses to Christ-like fidelity, not undermined, shamed, or suspected for their refusal to “move on.”
I want this page to be a resource that can be shared with anyone, from longtime standers to those who are freshly abandoned. I would also be grateful to God if priests, deacons, therapists, and diocesan personnel use this information to become educated on the issues and help their suffering people.
Support Groups
To join stander support groups (you must be validly married and committed to standing for your vow till death; you may also wish to stand after a nullity decree), please email:
Dr. Christine Bacon: christine@breakfastwithbacon.com
Please go to Sacred Standers for more information.
Bai Macfarlane: ma.defending@marysadvocates.org
Also: Mary’s Advocates can help you navigate the system if your spouse is petitioning for a decree of nullity.
Books
Impossible Marriages Redeemed: They Didn’t End the Story in the Middle — The last section is 15 stories of standers.
Read it for free in PDF form at LeilaMiller.net/impossiblemarriagesredeemedpdf
Impossible Marriages Redeemed is the follow-up to my book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, which I also offer free in PDF form: LeilaMiller.net/primallosspdf
(Please share the free PDFs with anyone and everyone.).
Articles and Podcasts
The Hidden Martyrs for Marriage (There are links in the article that will lead you to more good info.)
Spouses Who Remain Faithful in the Face of Infidelity —Drew Mariani radio show w/Leila Miller, inspired by the article just above.
Organizations/Apostolates
There is a relatively new organization, Catholics for Marriage Restoration, founded by standers themselves. Last year, the Diocese of Atlanta hosted a first-of-its-kind retreat for standers (and potential standers), which was a true gift of grace. Thank you, Atlanta! Here is a short video to give you an idea of their focus, and to show you that you are not alone:
Spiritual perspective
Abandonment is a dark experience and it can be overwhelming. In order to recognize the hope in even the heaviest cross, and that there is a roadmap to joy and peace even in intense suffering, I often share the following primer on the three stages of holiness (one of the many things we have not been taught in the past 60 years, but which is an established, rich part of our Catholic patrimony):
How we perceive the cross depends on our level of holiness
Next is an article that I co-wrote with Fr. Nathanael Block, a faithful priest, a canon lawyer, and the head of the tribunal in the Diocese of Gallup, providing spiritual and practical guidance to a spouse in the aftermath of abandonment. (We hope to make this article into a pamphlet that will be at least as ubiquitous in parish vestibules as the annulment pamphlets are today.)
Heart of the abandoned spouse (a remedy against reflexive annulment)
Finally, if you need help right now to know what to do and what to say when you find yourself in a rapidly disintegrating marriage, or if you have already been abandoned, I highly recommend the counsel of LeeAnne Abel, my “in-real-life” long-time friend, and my partner-in-crime on the marriage and divorce issues. We were friends long before I began my divorce work, just two Catholic wives and moms. As an indication of how much I trust and appreciate her now-extensive work coaching the children of divorce and aiding abandoned or struggling spouses, I dedicated Impossible Marriages Redeemed to her. You can contact LeeAnne through her website: RightlyOrdered.org
Well, that’s it for now. Please bookmark this entire blog page as a resource. There are more troubled marriages and abandoned spouses out there than you know, and we need more people fighting for marriage, even simply by providing information. If we don’t do it, who will?
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*A spouse who physically separates for safety reasons (allowed by canon law for grave mental or physical danger), but who hopes for redemption and reconciliation and does not “move on,” is also a stander, waiting and praying for the “prodigal spouse” to become safe and healed—and ultimately come home.
**Both The Alexander House (Greg and Julie are dear friends!) and Retrouvaille are doing great work healing troubled marriages, specifically when both spouses are on board to try. However, they can only do so much, considering the level of need out there. We need more resources, we need them on the parish level, and we need support unilaterally for the abandoned spouse/stander as well.
Prayers you can pray for couples in trouble, here.
